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Tips for the Freelancer
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Tips for the Freelancer
1. Bring two pens.
2. Get dressed.
3. Go outside every once in awhile.
4. Don't cancel interviews because you're not in the mood.
5. Take a nap.
6. Don't add, "But I make a living at it somehow," when answering the What-do-you-do question.
7. Don't save all your money at once, and don't spend it all at once. Get a money market account.
8. Everything is deductible.
9. Reading is work too.
10. More water, less coffee.
11. More water, less liquor.
12. Do the laundry, and cook supper at least three times a week.
13. Use flash audio recorders. The most important thing on an audio recorder is the microphone.
14. Type up your notes immediately. Do not take a nap first.
15. File everything and send it all to the fact checkers.
16. Fact checkers are your friends.
17. Natural light is good.
18. You have time to work in the bookstore.
19. You don't have time to write everything.
20. Everything reads better after sitting in the file cabinet for a week.
21. You're not as bad as you think.
22. You do drink too much, however.
23. You have time to pick up the kids from school.
24. Reading stories to the kids is more important than commenting, or surfing, or whatever the hell it is you do.
25. You do have a job.
26. All writers lie about how hard they're working.
27. Few writers make as much money as you think they do. Their spouse bought them that Lexus, and anyway, it was used and seized from a drug dealer.
28. Learn to write in your notebook without looking at the page. That way you can pretend to be listening closely when, in fact, you're wondering if you'll have time for a nap.
29. Have writer friends.
30. Avoid your writer friends unless you're already in a terrific, unshakeable mood.
31. Alumni magazines and trade journals pay really well, Mr. Sell-out.
32. In-flight magazines also pay well, but they don't want you. And it's not because you haven't been able to afford a plane flight in three years.
33. Do not make shit up.
34. Your salaried friends are jealous of you. Do not try to convince them otherwise.
35. It gets better.
36. Really, you should do the laundry for everyone in the house. It will change your life.
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Ask the Outlaw
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Dear Mr. Outlaw,
I am very, very angry about all these illegals who come into our country to steal our jobs and let their chickens run loose in the neighborhood. How would you, one of the central archetypes of our American Character, deal with this invasion of foreigners?
Signed,
No More Tacos
Dear Mister Taco,
Ain’t got a single damned idea what you talking about. You the Law? You a magistrate or some goddamn thing? I’ve gutted men for saying less than that to me, gutted em and thrown em in the river where the steamboats can knock em in their heads from now til eternity for all I care, I got no truck with such talk. I got an idea of who you are, you come out here in your blue Conestoga, snapping your suspenders and starting your banks and your eating clubs and calling the rest of us to heel because, oh hell, we got to have laws, and order, and efficiency, and that means efficiently getting you your blood money and heaping your table full of capons and hoe cakes until the rest of us got to roll you out your dining room and down the street to the courthouse where you sit in the judge’s chair and tell us who can live and who can die for all you care. I ain’t having it. I’m for the man who crosses rivers and deserts, sails oceans, and walks a thousand miles of forest just to get here. I’m for the fella what all he wants is to pull stumps and clear fields for corn and vegetables, maybe make some pasture. I’m for the man who works so he might get left alone for one blessed second in his miserable life, on his own piece, where he might get just a couple of moments to stop and stand on his own goddamn porch and look out over his own work and the sun setting on it, and think, I ain’t got to answer to no man no more and them trees look like fire when the sun hits em like that. I’m for that man. The only souls foreign to me are the lazy, stupid, and mean ones.
I hope this was helpful to you!
The Outlaw
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Photo of the Day
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
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Sorry for Your Loss
I'm sorry for your loss. Is there anything I can do? You just let me know if there's anything. Should I bring food? You don't need to cook. You don't need to drive. You need to sit down. Sit down and let me help. Sit. You should talk. Let it out, don't hold back. I'm listening. I'm here for you. I'm sorry, but I have to ask: have you thought about the arrangements? I can take care of that for you. Don't even think about it. You don't need to be worrying about that. I mean it. I'm calling the funeral home. Do you have a sedative? I've got some. Here. Take it. It's OK, you deserve it. What a terrible thing to say. I mean, you need it. Look, I found this photo album. Do you want to look at it? Are you sure? Put your feet up and look with me. Look, what a beautiful photograph. Lovely. It hurts, but that's important. It hurts to look. Look at this one. You'll never forget. Believe me, I know.The priest is coming, he'll talk to the funeral home. Have you ever noticed that funeral home directors always smell of mouthwash? No? I suppose that's a blessing, that you wouldn't have noticed that. It's a terrible thing, knowing the undertaker's breath so well. You'll have to pick a coffin. You don't need all the options, it's not a sports car. No matter what he says. Coffins horrify me now. When I go, I want to be burned up into ash. Gone. I'm sorry dear, I shouldn't have said that. I think about it a lot, though. It's not bad to think about it. Everyone dies. Sometimes I lose track. Here, have a deviled egg.
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Photo of the Day
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
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Subcultures
I am a subculturalist.
I live in a variety of subcultures that together, I'm afraid, don't signify the Culture, generally. I am bald. I live in a small town in the South. I am an avid vulture watcher. I am a collector of face jugs and a big fan of Piranesi prints. I cook big pieces of meat. I am a friend of freaks. I write things. These are a few of my subcultures.
I'll be writing about subcultures, writing, and the South here. Let me know what you think.
--Duncan
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Coming Soon
Monday, October 12, 2009
Keep an eye out for the rattlejar blog.
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